Hey me! Get out of my way!
Sunday, July 8, 2012 at 3:38PM Fear. It's all about fear. Fear gets in the way of everything we try to do! When you're scared, your throat closes, your hands shake, your mind blanks, you go deaf to what's going on around you...or is that just me? I doubt that but I've had plenty of those experiences. I remember one of the worst, most terrifying moments of my life was when I was just over 7 months pregnant and went in for a routine checkup only to be told I had pre-term labor symptoms and would need to be hospitalized immediately. What!?! A little back pain and I'm in a hospital bed for how long!?! THAT is fear, baby. And I went dark. I remember almost nothing from the moment of being told...until about three days later. Very surreal. I was coherent, I called work, I arranged for coverage and got my FMLA handled. And I don't remember a darn thing. Baby and I both came through all that just fine by the way. He's 9 years old now and making a mess of the house while I type this.
So how is fear messing with me now? In smaller, but significant ways. When fear has control, acting - good acting - cant happen. The focus is on the fear. The fear of looking stupid or ugly or, god forbid, FAT or OLD! The fear of forgetting lines, using up too many takes to get a scene right, pissing off someone on a set, not being able to get home for that 9-year-old because you are still doing that same same scene over and over. The anxiety rises, the concentration lapses, the TRUTH fades.
I'm working on learning techniques to deal with those fears. "Letting go of the shit" to paraphrase from Jim Jarrett. (Look him up, he's awesome.) Learning these techniques in a nurturing, supportive environment seems absolutely essential to me. Why dig up more fears and angst for the sake of emotional rawness if it just makes you choke?
Look, fear. You may be helpful to keep us out of danger in some instances, but you're kind of a pain in the ass. Get out of the way!
Reader Comments (2)
Just this morning I thought the actual thought, "I was born in fear". That may be true, or else it's the devil lying to me, but I have lived a large portion of my life in fear. Not long ago when I was un-employed and looking for a job at 44 years old, in this economy and 2 weeks before Christmas, another thought rang out, "Kim, you are not afraid of failure. You are are afraid of success." Hmmm...
I could see that. Fear of success is a tough one to understand but I believe many of us experience it from time to time. Attaining even a little success means we have to work that much harder - and we have more to lose. Our logical minds know it's worth it, our toxic fear sabotages us and keeps us stuck to our couches. Keep fighting that demon!